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i think i was an astronaut

by Maps

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1.
I think I was an astronaut somehow in a past life, maybe on another planet or maybe time isn’t a line that only goes one way, maybe we bounce along forward and back until we find something that makes us want to stay. Maybe I’ll find that thing that makes me want to stay. She said "that cloud looks like a cloud and maybe that's enough. Maybe your endless quest for meaning’s just what makes it all so rough. Maybe all we need is a clear sky, a six pack and the moon and a hand to hold– look here I’ve got two. If you reach for me love, I’ll reach for you."
2.
Wish I remembered being dumb, happy and young Counting stars at night like i’d never run out When clouds rolled in, i lost the count Shaped my own constellations out of rocks Wondered where I’d be in twenty years Who would stick around? Who’d disappear? And would time keep marching on? Would morning come? I didn’t need that, Need that fear But i held to it I drew a map The stars I would go to… When i was a kid, i was full of doubt Never escaped the orbit of my parent’s house Years they passed and I outgrew The doubts, the fears, the borders I knew Now, I wonder about those I’ve met Some love stuck around, but a lot didn’t Some twin flames, they flicker out When love goes dark It never ends on the right terms… I hope they’re all alright I hope they’ve had good lives Romanticized the story of Carl Sagan and Anne Druyan The legacy they launched to space Lonely voyagers in the longest race At twenty five I made it to Australia’s red sand dunes Standing at Uluru staring up At a stranger sky, I never felt that, felt that Small Welcomed the feeling Deafening sound Imagined the Big Bang When i was a kid, I wanted to be An astronaut but i couldn’t see Well enough to pass the test I damaged up my eyes trying to read Comic books and stories of Men who flew who were strong enough To fight back their demons, save the world, To do what’s right I couldn’t see that, See that path But i still walked it I was so lost I had a compass If it’s getting dark Hold tight to my hand Now here come the stars Some nights I still count them
3.
shoeboxing 04:28
Tonight I’m wrestling ink from the pen Rearranging our history, rewriting our whys and whens Turning what happened The tragedy we became Into a shore that’s refusing the wave We never made it to our somewhere new Though our eyes were wide with the folly of youth We set out for adventure The road was our sea Lost it somewhere between A and B So I’m stuck at the edge of a dream Light hangs in the corner, I feel the weight of my teeth I know I can’t stop it now Paralizyed ‘neath this sheet A nightmare shaped like memory Where are you now? Where am i now? Got a shoebox with a past life in it Trinkets that remind me love was easy as a kid Gifts that you’d given You weren’t always this cold Those inside jokes used to make us howl Still have that old walkie talkie Hero-in-a-half-shell, you were the end of that beep I’d turn it on now But the button, it sticks, And there’s no answer, just echoes, static The world’s burning, it smells like your sheets Lavender mixed with rose hips, hint of sweat where you’d sleep If it’s all gonna burn Guess it only makes sense You’re the fire, i can't help but breathe in Where are you now? Where am i now? If spilling ink could rewrite history I’d pour out whole buckets, declare war on blank sheets Cover the whole path that we traced ‘cross the map Black out whole names, decades, diaries But i can’t, no, I can’t, no I won’t All i can do is remember with my words, my hope If i keep calling up your ghost, with my songs and this pen Maybe some night, I’ll find clarity And I’ll laugh you off
4.
Know it’s late now And me calling… This isn’t a thing you’ve missed But I've been drinking, barely thinking And I ended up doing this. So hey, as long as I’ve got you, Maybe it’s time that we caught up And had a talk? Please don’t hang up Know i miss you Know i’m sorry Know it’s way too late for this It’s been years now Different lives now Not bound up in all that was We had longing Maybe I’m reaching For a hope we never held I was lost, I’m on the mend Know i’m shaking And i’m trembling See, my mind’s a smoke alarm When i’m near you It’s a problem I can’t seem to shut it off So if i’m vacant, I’m still listening I’m just drowning in the sound Of trumpets I’m sisyphus, wondering What if i make it up that hill? Would i just go back down again? Could i go higher still? Know it’s late now And if you’re still there, Know i never meant for this There was laughter It still echoes I still taste you my lips ‘Cause when i see you And think of you I still feel you in my bones I’m awake I’m alive So if you’re still there and you’re wondering If there’s gold still in these hills Well, I believe And I’m sifting If there’s hope Then I’m digging
5.
dark room 03:26
The cold is thick and heavy, frost and liquor tint my breath I stumble down, collapse in a booth Whiskey neat, warm my thoughts, cloud my climb I’m sinking as the night comes into view Then I see you It’s clearly, you Years later, you A swirling separation, stacks of boxes block the way Buried by a collapsing of the truth The walls are getting thin, clock ticks unstuck in time Twin planets drifting from the light I still see you In the dark, you Lost in space, you I am still taking pictures in this weird low light Reaching with my eyes to learn more Exposing what was to a chemical bloom Trying to see what I couldn’t see before I just see you I reach for, you In the night, you Losing time, you It’s always been you
6.
You’re not an easy person Though you pretend to be You laugh things off, pretend that if no one sees it Then the truth just doesn’t dig deep It’s ok to be human You don’t have to play dumb You should stop when your whole body says stop You should listen to those that you love You don’t have to embellish The stories that you tell You know your friends always see right there through them You always have the right to be dull You’re more than your haircut You can stop fussing with your heart Keep waiting for the perfect moment You’ll just be left alone in the dark I’m not saying these things Thinking you’ll change But it helps for me to hear them too If I can get through to me….maybe i’ll get through to you Don’t have to keep looking backwards Your shadow knows not to beg The life you lived will always be back there But you can learn to look towards the sun You know your heart can take it If you coax it into opening You should open your ears, learn there’s more stories to hear If you just practice listening Again, I’m not saying these things, thinking you’ll change But it helps for me to hear them too If I can get through to me….maybe i’ll get through to you You’re not an easy person No one can read your heart But if you start communicating with the mouth you were given say the words that you’re thinking give the love you’ve been saving thank the ones who need thanking be there for friends who’ve been hurting forgive the ones you’ve been shunning patch the past you’ve been tearing return the thanks you’ve been taking love the truth you’ve been living turn the love you’ve rejected into lessons worth giving that you’ll prove out by living day by day you keep living On and on you keep living On and on you keep loving On and on, you'll start singing Hey, that’s a start
7.
If you have to go I won’t stand in your way There’s nothing more to say We both had our say But if you need a map I’ll see what I can find I won’t let you go blind Into the night If you need to talk I promise to stay kind My ears always have time I always loved your eye But know, I wish you’d stay another year I don’t like who I am without you here If you need some space I’ll make myself small I won’t be a crowd Do you, I’ll be gone If you need my love You know, it’s never left It’s right here, on my breath Take the hand at my wrist But know, I wish you’d stay another year I don’t like who I am without you here I once called you home You could still call me home But I’ll be the one to go If you need me to go
8.
tethered 03:13
We were once poor sun-kissed punks Pirate tongues in our mouths Armed with a tuneless chord Screaming through dusty haunts Splashed through the endless tides Tight summer skin at our sides Seeing how far we’d drive Full tank and our sun-drunk eyes But I got out And I tried to get you out When I think of you now, you’re a forever “what if?” It’s like you were a penguin I was a condor in flight High oversea, searching and pleading, desperate for a bite Now when i find silence Fill it with the sounds of time Anthems from our lost youth Bridging the great divide I fuss with the radio Hoping for songs I know Something to take me back To summers spent drinking and flirting, searching Do I haunt you? Or do you just haunt me? If you’re a ghost, well you’re tethered here to me now Did I really get out? Or did you get out? A small house and a lawn, you’re in the driveway, standing there, waving at me saying “come home. Mike, you could just come home. If you feel like a ghost, well you know you don’t have to be. You could come home. You could just come home. You still know the way, the roads haven’t changed, the key is still right where you know it’ll be.”
9.
my eye caught your brow sweat glistened and dripped walked the boiling reservoir your dog chasing kids your hand held my shaky hand our steps steady and slow the red sun’s dipping down some we’ve still got some ways to go though the air’s feeling heavy tonight the view yellowed by smoke visibility limited i'm lost in the thought of a life rich with stories re-lived and retold here at the end of everything, i’m happy to be yours the sky’s gone black and wildfires still burn the earth’s cleaved shards and shivering you try to ease my concerns you say “Don’t worry, my sweetest one, as long as the tide still flows. the stars shimmer impossible. let’s see how this night unfolds.” your hope, I hold and grip here tight in my palm here at the end of everything i'm happy to be found it's easier to dream than to manifest a picture perfect day framed by a wedding dress i’m waking up in a bed that’s captured a dream i’ll hold you tight, sweetness let’s go back to sleep we’ve all known hurt a ghost with a million names here at the end of everything let’s throw the past away the ash, it falls it’s getting harder and harder to breathe here at the end of everything it’s all coming down here at the end of everything we stand glory-bound if this is the end of everything, let’s find you a crown
10.
Sundays were for sinning In a rented room Our floor was so high, Just like the sun, Just like me and you Think we were just coming down From that trip we were on Started in Colorado Dragged it to Virginia Now we can’t shake it off Both knew we were over Before we were over Pretended it wasn’t “Stop talking crazy” Still we split it all up If I took you for granted, It was cause you took me for good I kept the records You got the friends The memories were tricky You got the beginnings I took the ends You got The Zombies But I kept our song Now can’t tell you who sang it, It’s a death sentence, I can’t turn it on You kept the apartment Don’t know how you did I remember the echo When it was emptied out It’s still in my head If I took you for granted, It was cause you took me for good And if I was a bad habit It’s time you kicked me for good Cracked the globe like a smile We picked up the shards You got my hometown I took Australia We shared New York Split the years down the middle First cut the deck at mid-June Instead we went by the daylight “How about you take the sun? Just give me the moon” I picked you like a pocket Held you tight in my hand But you were never mine I could not claim that My hand’s opening If I took you for granted, It was cause you took me for good And if was your bad habit It’s time you kicked me for good If we stick to the schedule We should never run back into Each other again There’s no clean split for shared lives Only two halves that go on Like a voice with no echo A chord with no strumming A chorus with no song I think it goes like…
11.

credits

released January 10, 2024

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Maps Los Angeles, California

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